Suicide is subjective

I hate to hate.

It’s an all consuming tumour

that grows and deviates.

I loathe these loathings,

but my loathing’s at an eight.

I raise my score card high

and give out my bold rating

because I can’t continue placating

a lazy oaf and broken wife;

to him she went for a walk,

to me she held a knife

to her wrists and pressed down hard.

Hard enough to leave ravaged scars.

This woman, desperate, on her knees

is my mother, mother please,

save yourself from these raw feelings

and take the rope down off the ceiling.

I know that you are grieving

the woman you once were

and the man that he once was

and I know it hurts, it fucking hurts

that he thinks you went to walk.

He can’t even talk about it while

My mind shouts, it shouts enraged

that he is at a loss, completely disengaged.

You are both coming to an age

where the focus should be one-on-one,

not subtle snipes and blinkered eyes

where no one bothers to even try.

He thinks she went for a walk

and I really hate to hate

but right now I want to shake him

and wake him up with cutting words

and slit open eyes.

Steps away from the sea

isn’t going for a walk

and if you refuse to talk or

look and see

and make things better

through your own responsibility

as a husband to a sick wife

then what happens next

is round your neck

like an albatross or coarse noose

that you will never shake away or lose.

May you live with it

and may it burn with friction

from your lack of acknowledgement,

care or diction.

and may it prick and cut like little knives.

May you drown from the guilt

of your sickly wife’s actions.

This is my poor mother; mother please,

Get up off your fallen knees.

Know your worth and know your pain;

make changes so this won’t repeat again.

I hate to hate this man, my father;

for hate consumes and deviates;

but I hate this situation

and this blind, blinkered ugly state.

“He thinks she went for a walk”

spins in my sickened, breathless head.

She was walking, walking, walking, Dad,

she was walking to her death.

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Last Night Part II

I am putting wax in my hair,

and my brother, suited and debonaire,

calls out to me to sort the buckle

on his black waistcoat.

I fiddle and fuss and make a mess

but its the best I can do

I stress as we wax lyrical in a

slightly cynical way as to why

our mother held us both,

separately,

told us she loved us,

separately,

and would always love us

no matter what happens.

I mime a hanging.

He nods his head.

We both grimace a grin

and try to smirk

as we work our way out of fear

with gallows humour.

He says:

“Sooner or later,

she’s gonna do it,

if she wants to do it.

There’s nothing we can do

so we might as well  go and have fun,

just be done with it,

and leave her to it.”

I wonder if my brother is a sociopath

and bite my barbed tongue.

A little while longer and my brother leaves.

Gets a lift off my Dad

to go and paint the town red

while I sit alone, padding out my evening

with nail varnish, denial,

pensive thoughts and vain preening.

Unsure of what to believe in

I hear the door slam,

I hear the dogs bark

and I start to panic and

search; I call my sister

before my dad arrives home

“Where the fuck is she?” he snaps;

I say I don’t know

“I’m going to fucking kill her”

he says,

before he coldly explains that

She left a note about demons

and pain that wont leave;

she’s aware of the pain she will cause,

‘but be happy’ she pleads.

I tug at waxed hair

this Icarus can’t understand

I try to breathe but I’m melting,

falling apart from this land

that is crumpling under me

like her broken face.

I don’t know how to fix

this woman I love and to make

everything OK and it all spins and I take

a huge breath

but then the door slams

and her howls are heard

as she keens to the moon

like an animal trapped

and he screams in her face:

“Did you fucking take anything?”

“No I promise!”

She cracks:

“I went to the sea.

I just wanted to die.

But then I got scared of the dark

and I thought why

does that even matter now –

why does it even matter?”

I go up to my room

my heart tattered and ripped;

because there is no way to fix

the urge to join the sea.

It’s the world’s biggest bully,

charismatic, it’s free.

What can we offer her,

but a working class life?

With a bored, boring husband

and the end of family life?

Grown up kids are all leaving

and making homes of their own

but my mountain is falling,

growing smaller

alone.

What if she disappears

and enters the sea?

And this huge part of my life

can no longer be seen?

I want to fight nature.

I want to scream in its fat fucking face.

But you can’t fight with nature.

I should accept my place.

If she leaves me she leaves me;

I can’t fight demons I can’t see.

If she leaves me, she leaves me.

And her demons come to me.

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Take care

I pulled down my wall

with a caved in chest;

figured getting some fresh air

was probably best.

Hidden in a snow storm,

a snow globe of cold, cold air,

trapped in a glass bauble

while pretending not to care.

I smashed it like a wrecking ball.

I cracked it like ball to bat.

I hit a home run with my escape route,

yet returned,

returned and sat

to stop and stare at my own drowning;

to watch the hand grasp at empty air.

I stood up and held a hand out,

instinct kicks in

to fight

to care.

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No Entry

She can’t welcome you in
when the doors fully bolted,
from the inside
she’s in a land where she’s faulted.
The memories haunt
as they dance to the rhythm
and her demons
they’re screaming “There’s no carpe diem.”
She seizes the past
instead of the present
and thats why there’s a descent
instead of an up,
and instead of being full
there’s an empty cup.
Not even half full,
or a quarter, theres nothing,
and the people in her dreams
are mocking and scoffing.
These alcoholic drinks
they’re greedily quaffing.
Drink up, keep drinking,
drink til you drown.
Suffocate on vodka bitches
as you laugh, you fake clowns.
She laughs pretty loud,
so fake she astounds
as she takes hold of this tower
and stands at the top,
embracing the air
she gracefully flops.
Closes her eyes
and the air hits her face,
then she’s kissing the ground
and there’s no more space
or concept of time
in the blackness of death.
The doors fully bolted,
its time now for rest.

Another Brick in the Wall.

Hey, Jo, up here on my wall,

up here on my wall, up here on my wall.

Hey, Jo, up here on my wall,

up here on my wall, up here on my wall.

And I don’t need no edukashun

to count these bricks, to count these bricks,

to count these bricks,

because too much homework makes me sick,

it makes me sick, gets on my wick.

Repetition to a fish, is a repetitious wish.

Fresh as daisy’s, milk and honey.

We are just two fish in a bowl

in need of money.

Hey Jo, up here on my wall,

up here on my wall,  up here on my wall.

Humpty dumpty, he had a big fall,

he fell off the wall, scrambled eggs in store.

Breakfast with you echoes daily

but its fresh as honey, crisp money and daisy’s.

We’re just marooned, got the jugband blues

lack of money old news, but as fresh as a bruise.

Hey Jo, I’m up here on my wall,

heading for a fall, heading for a fall.

Hey Jo, I’m up here on my wall,

heading for a fall, don’t know whats in store.

And I don’t need no edukashun

to count these bricks, to count these bricks,

cuz too much ‘omework makes me sick,

it makes me sick, gets on my wick.

Going to the park to see Emily play

birds eye view from this wall of grey.

At times I think I should be learning to fly

because my fall won’t be part of the great gig in the sky.

You know, you know, I should really try,

to learn some lessons in learning to fly.

You know, you know, I should really try

to learn some lessons, it just takes time.

Carroll said Lessons lessen from day to day

until you know everything each and every way.

But more than knowing everything one of these days

I’d rather our lives have the happiest days.

The tigers break free from our old fears

and how I wish, how I wish you were here.

I realise all I want and all I need

is a ladder so you’re next to me.

And all I want and all I need

is to grow long hair that you can reach.

Climb the wall and beat the bricks

that trap me high and make me sick.

Hey Jo, I’m up here on my wall,

up here on my wall,  up here on my wall.

Hey, you, I’m up here on my wall,

up here on my wall, up here on my wall.