Self Destruct

All day

for the past few days

I have tried to find a way

to be self destructive

to let go and to give

into the temptation

of a calming sensation

following a revelation

of what makes me tick.

Something short, sharp and quick.

I want

and I crave

to give up; misbehave,

but cuts lead to infection

and sex leads to AIDs

or herpes or infections

that feel like pissing blades.

I need to find a release

from this weak willed decay

but today’s not the day

to find a way

because a hunger strike

leaves me hungry

and booze leads to kidney pain.

Alcohol makes you fat,

sad, angry, morose

while you sit sad and lonely

thinking about poor options you chose.

Self destruction, it blows,

no shits going up my nose.

Drugs are for wasters

wasting time on those

who don’t care for them

one iota, one bit,

I spend time crying on buses

for a girl who gives not one shit.

The wall I could hit

but my knuckles would hurt

I could scream and tear

at my buttons

but would ruin my shirt

I can’t stand this hurt

but what’s the point

in

falling

down?

It took me so long to stand up

that I can’t go back now.

I must embrace this frown

and accept for now

this,

my fate.

Life gives you lemons

on a crappy plate

but that doesnt mean

you squirt acid juice

in your eye

just to make you feel better

from having a cry.

I can not deny

that a break

would do me good

but the best break of all

was the one that I should

have made a long time ago

before it all got this way;

I should have left you

as beautiful and happy,

not stayed

to watch you grow ugly,

indifferent,

cruel;

my self has been destructed.

Destructed by you.

My body already broken,

my soul riddled with blue.

I’ve self destructed already,

a choice that I chose

when I stood by a woman

who had chosen to go.

She upped and left me

while I hoped like a fool

and for memories of her

I want to bring out my tools?

I want to break shirts

and to scream and cry?

So cliche!

I just need to keep running

from these thoughts

from this pain

and truly accept

its over.

Away.

These thoughts are destructing

myself every day.

From breaks bones grow stronger,

white flickers in grey,

the morning will come soon

and the pain will soon fade.

Love is the destructor,

it put me through Hell

and I’m still dancing on hot coals,

this heat must be quelled.

The blisters will form soon,

but I will continue the dance

the fire must die out

so I, my self, stands a chance.

sand-keanu

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